Ever Increasing Collins – A Cartoon

Ever Increasing Collins

… A Surreal Trip Down Memory Lane…

Ever Increasing Collins in all its glory!

Adolescence. It’s a funny old thing. Hormones sloshing wildly around a body which doesn’t seem to know what to do with them. Hair sprouting from funny places and a voice box that goes from bass-baritone to soprano at the most inconvenient of moments. And then there is Ever Increasing Collins, a blast from the past, which took me back to those terrible days of teenage longing, when I stumbled upon it, while sorting out some old papers a week or so ago.

Once upon a time, I was an adolescent and not a very good one at that. I found the whole process extremely troubling and in addition to all of the biological inconveniences alluded to above, I developed a social awkwardness, which took me decades to bring under control. In the end, I resorted to living in a cave, far from human scrutiny and mastered Zen Buddhism, which I now loathe with a passion. You can find out why, if you click here.

Anyway, I digress. Back then, when I still had hair on my head and a body that was more than the flabby, worn-out organ carrier that it is now, I used to doodle. Exercise books, A4 refill pads, postage stamps, nothing was sacred and that included the margins of any piece of paper I could lay my hands on. Most of the time it was stuff copied from whatever anarchistic, Indie publication I was reading at that particular moment.

Favourites included the wonderful ‘Bugs and Drugs’ and it’s predecessor ‘Skate Muties from the 5th Dimension’, as well as ‘Arnie’ and the ever so dark ‘Harpy’ by Nick Mackie, which, as far as I know only ran to two editions… a terrible shame, because it was shaping up to be a fantastic cartoon series of epic proportions.

However, on occasion, I would be assailed by brief flashes of surreal brilliance and pump out images and situations worthy of commentary by the world’s greatest sages. Ever Increasing Collins is not one of those.

Where it came from or why, I have no recollection, but I am glad that it has not seen the light of day until now, because if it had, then I would probably be writing this to myself from the safety of my very own padded cell and the only commentary it would have attracted would have been from criminal psychologists and the male nurses guarding my rubber-walled accommodation on a 24/7 basis.

Happily, I am now a recovered doodler and direct my creative urges towards writing, rather than drawing, so I will leave it up to you to interpret the meaning behind Ever Increasing Collins. A commentary on Shakespearian character definitions, a much loved, yet missing scene from Pride and Prejudice or just the ridiculous scratchings of a bored English student, you be the judge. I very much look forward to your replies.

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Note: Ever Increasing Collins will shortly be available as a limited edition print, with T-shirts, mugs and other useless paraphernalia following close behind. Please contact me directly should you wish to purchase the original artwork. Prices are negotiable, however, you will probably need a rich Nigerian uncle or a recently deceased foreign dictator to have left you some money beforehand, in which case, you can just leave me your bank details and PIN numbers and I will do the rest!

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While you are at it, here are some of the magazines referred to above. Enjoy!

Cover of Bugs and Drugs - Rob Gregory Author

Bugs and Drugs – Issue One.

Cover of Skate Muties From The Fifth Dimension - Rob Gregory Author

Skate Muties From The 5th Dimension – Issue Nine.

Harpy 1 & 2 by Nick Mackie - Rob Gregory Author

Harpy – Issues One and Two. Check out Nick’s latest stuff here.

Arnie – Issue Five.

Angkor What? Discovery leaves experts baffled

New discovery leaves archaeologists baffled

… You heard it here first…

CAMBODIA: Archaeologists exploring a recently unearthed section of the massive temple complex, known as Angkor Wat, have been left scratching their heads, by the discovery of what appears to be a ‘Made in Italy’ sign, found in a subterranean cellar, deep below the main gallery.

The sign, discovered by head dirt scraper, Enzo Spaghetti, during a NABISCO sponsored rummage through the sacred remains of other peoples’ cultures, has upset locals and caused many of the world’s other professional Indiana Jones impersonators, to label the find as fake, or a cheap publicity stunt, designed to put Spaghetti’s ailing career back on the map.

However, Spaghetti, who has previously courted controversy with finds including, a ‘CE’ mark at on a rock at Stonehenge and a Cadbury’s logo carved into the statues on Easter Egg Island, remains firm on the matter, claiming that his discovery is indeed genuine and that once and for all, the myth that the 162-hectare monument was built overnight by a divine architect of Asian descent, has been debunked.

Stonehenge. Here be druids… and a CE mark, if you look closely.

“I am as surprised as you are…” said Spaghetti, speaking in an exclusive interview with our border-hopping Asian Correspondent, Arjan Falangies-Hoojenflicker, who was wearing khaki, satin, cargo shorts, a battered Fedora and a bull-whip for the historic meeting.

“… But to me, it is indisputable. Angkor Wat was built by the Romans and this twelfth-century design and construction tale that everyone believes, is nonsense. It is nothing more than a smokescreen to prevent the real architects of the monument, us poor Italians, from claiming all the glory. I mean, look at the columns, not to mention the very design of the massive towers outside. You would have to be crazy not to see the similarities with classical Roman architecture. It is as plain as the nose on my face, which is also Roman, by the way.”

The ‘Made in Italy’ sign, which Spaghetti allegedly found scratched into the wall of the temple, just above floor level, has an amateur look about it and lacks the feel of antiquity of the surrounding décor, a point which critics have been quick to jump on.

Tower at Angkor Wat in Cambodia - Rob Gregory Author

Tower at Angkor Wat. Of Roman design, if you believe Enzo Spaghetti, that is.

Speaking on behalf of the Archaeological Research Society of Europe (ARSE), Doctor Hibiscus Flange of Oxbridge University, said: “It is obvious to us that the fellow has scratched the writing onto the wall himself, in what has to be one of the greatest acts of archaeological vandalism in living memory. If he was a complete ARSE member, then we would excrete him from the society without delay. Unfortunately, he isn’t, so we can’t.”

When questioned about the authenticity of the find, Spaghetti was quick to defend his claim: “Of course, the writing is a bit wobbly and looks scratched into the stone. That’s because it was! The Romans didn’t have the luxury of modern technology and it is amazing that they managed to build something as magnificent as this with the basic tools that they had. It probably took some poor Centurion over a week to etch those words into the stone, using nothing more than his bare hands and the fingernails of several dozen of his slaves.”

Statues on Easter Island - Rob Gregory Author

Statues on Easter Egg Island. According to Enzo Spaghetti, Cadbury got there first!

However, despite Spaghetti’s compelling arguments, the one question on everyone’s lips and the one question that Spaghetti himself cannot answer, without looking guilty, is: If the sign is genuine, then why is it written in English and not Latin?

After the official interview, our reporter was approached by Spaghetti’s personal chef, a moustached man of Italian-American descent, called Hocks, who is believed to be an associate of the famous Vietnam war leader, Colonel Klutz. Hocks had this to say about his boss: “This Spaghetti guy – he’s wacko, man. He’s worse than crazy. He’s evil. I mean… it’s Pagan idolatry around here. Look around you!”

So, there you have it. Rumour and speculation about the true origins of Angkor Wat continue to abound this evening, but as far as one man is concerned, it is not even worth boiling a sausage for!

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CP name change shocker!

… Thai food giant, CP, changes name in surprise announcement…

In an emotional press conference, held outside its first ever Sleven-Eleven store on Patpong Road, Bangkok, a tearful Supali Chariariariot, CEO of Thai food giant, Charred Pophand (CP) stunned investors and customers alike, with the shock announcement of a new name for the beleaguered company.

Over the last few years, CP has been accused of a series of less than ethical business practices, including high-sea slavery and its less glamorous cousin, on-land slavery, which involves forcing Thai farmers into crippling debt, which they cannot escape from. More recently, it has also been implicated as a major contributor to severe air pollution in Northern Thailand, during the annual (and highly illegal) burn-off of crops after harvesting.

Obviously, all of this bad press has taken its toll, because Chariariariot, surrounded by a throng of inquisitive ladyboys, bar-girls and masseuses from the surrounding red-light district, not to mention our own intrepid reporter, Arjan Falangies-Hoojenflicker, dressed only in a mini-skirt and high-heels, broke down at one point during the announcement, saying:

“It’s just not fair! The way that we’ve been demonised by the world’s media, you would think that it was wrong to buy fishmeal from slave ships. I mean, we pass the savings onto our customers, so it’s not like we’re hurting anyone important. To be honest, these allegations have upset me deeply. I’ve only been able to buy myself four new Mercedes so far this year and none of them has made me very happy, which is why, after much thought, I’ve decided to change the name of CP and the way that we work forever.”

It is believed that CP sought the services of major US marketing powerhouse, Big Sticky Balls, to help them come up with the new name and brand identity. The company has an impressive record, having previously worked with President Donald Duck to turn him from an offensive, uneducated moron, into a fun-loving guy, whose witty one-liners have the world in stitches, not to mention turning failed table-dancer and male escort, Jean-Claude Con-Domme, into a Hollywood B-list celebrity (albeit only for a short time).

Speaking about the partnership, Chariariariot said: “With Big Sticky Balls behind us, we can do anything, and I am confident that our new name will be a success and one that the public and consumers alike will gladly swallow without really questioning it.”

And the new name? Well, in a stroke of marketing genius that could only come from Big Sticky Balls and a one-billion-baht paycheck, the company will now be known as PC, which makes everything alright.

“With a name like PC and our new mission to be ‘The soup-kitchen of the world,’ people are going to love us, and all of our previous naughtiness will be quickly forgotten. Being PC is absolutely wonderful and I’m proud to be a part of it,” said Chariariariot. “Besides, if we’re PC in public, then that alone will help draw attention away from what we’re really doing in private,” he added under his breath.

Critics were quick to, well… criticise, the announcement, calling it a white-wash and mere public relations trickery, to which Chariariariot responded: “If you think that I give a crap about what a bunch of long-haired, unwashed vegans and drug-addicts think, then you’re talking to the wrong man. I’ve got their names and they will be dealt with extremely harshly,” before correcting himself and saying, “I feel very sorry for those poor, misguided people. Obviously, they don’t understand all of the good work that we are doing here. We are the good guys. After all, we’re PC.”

So, there you have it. Hot off the press from our very own cross-dressing South East Asian correspondent, Arjan Falangies-Hoojenflicker, CP becomes PC, in one of the biggest shock announcements we’ve ever revealed on this site. Will the new name stick, or will we find yet another human finger in tomorrow’s fishmeal? We’ll bring you the truth… just as soon as we’ve worked out what it is!

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While you’re here, why not check out some of my other Thailand blogs?

Fotherington-Tomas and the Unexpected Move

… FT makes the big jump to Amazon and Smashwords…

Fotherington-Tomas and Maxwell were sitting in the Middle Drawing Room of Haggrid’s, enjoying the fusty smell of antiquity that surrounded them and a quick glass of Chablis, before the butler announced the day’s luncheon.

While Maxwell was busy scanning the tightly-packed columns of the Financial Times, to see how his cryptocurrency portfolio was performing, Fotherington-Tomas had his sizable nose buried in a brand new ebook reader.

“You know, Maxwell. This really is the way of the future. I’ve got a dozen books on this magical thingamajig and its barely the size of my palm. I’m carrying around a library in my hand, don’t you know? It’s like having the whole of the Bodleian at your fingertips. Wonderful, when you think about it,” said Fotherington-Tomas.

Maxwell paused in his search and sipped on his wine, before answering.

“Indeed, FT. In fact, I was just reading about this Amazon doohickey. It’s big business or so the article says. A bit like Harrods, but everything on it is electronic. They’ve even got books for sale.”

“Really? I think that I’m going to have to have a look at that. I could do with getting a few more tomes on this thing. A well-read gentleman can never have too many books, isn’t that right, Maxwell?” said Fotherington-Tomas.

“Absolutely, FT. And do you know something else? Apparently, Amazon and most other ebook platforms prioritise those who release books on a regular basis, over traditional publishers, who only put out one or two books a year,” said Maxwell.

Fotherington-Tomas looked up from his e-reader and gave Maxwell a thoughtful stare.

“So, let me get this right? It’s a quantity over quality thing, yes? Which means, if I were to publish some of our daring adventures, in the form of very short stories, on this Amazon place, then I could become even more well-known than I am now?”

“That’s about the size of it,” replied Maxwell.

“Well, in that case, let’s do it!” said Fotherington-Tomas, his booming voice ringing off the thick oak panels. “No more blogging about our exploits for me! I’m going to ebook land, instead!”

And with that, he, jumped up from his seat, an avaricious glint in his eye and shot out of Haggrid’s, all thoughts of his lunch forgotten, leaving Maxwell sitting in his chair, with a most perplexed look on his face.

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So, there you have it. From now on, Fotherington-Tomas will be moving to Amazon, Smashwords and all good ebook retailers. I hope that you’ll join me, as his adventures continue to grow on this new and exciting platform.

Thank you!

Air, so thick, you could eat it

Chiang Mai businessman opens world’s first ‘air restaurant’ in famous city of smog

A humorous look at the serious topic of Thailand’s poor air quailty

By Makin Melungsurt (Special News Correspondent)

With the eyes, ears and noses of the world focused firmly on the news that the picturesque town of Chiang Mai, in Northern Thailand, officially has the worst air pollution in the world, local businessman, Hee Choo-Air-Alot, has found a silver lining, hidden in the clouds of smog pouring into the city.

In what is believed to be a global first, Choo-Air-Alot has opened a restaurant giving customers access to what he says, is: “a soup of delicious, naturally occurring nutrients, not available anywhere else on the planet.”

For only five hundred baht — about fifteen dollars — for five minutes exposure, customers can enjoy access to a range of specially selected, smog-laden airs, sourced from various parts of the city, delivered through modified oxygen masks, in the comfort of his air-conditioned restaurant, situated on the edge of Chiang Mai’s sleepy Loi Kroh road.

Golden Gate bridge in smog - Rob Gregory Author

View this morning from Nawarat Bridge, Chiang Mai.

“During the day, we are only able to serve brown air, referring to the grading system used by the International Air Quality Index system. However, for those who choose to dine with us during the evening hours, we are pleased to be able to offer a wider selection, including purple, red and orange air,” said Choo-Air-Alot, somewhat surprisingly speaking through a full-face respirator, of the type normally worn by soldiers during gas attacks. “We have had some interest from customers wanting to try green air, but frankly, there’s nothing at all in that, so I can’t see it really taking off,” he added, offering our intrepid on-site intern, Carcy Nogen, a free sample of what appeared to be pale-grey air, trapped in a glass jar.

When challenged that the air he was selling was, in fact, loaded with a mixture of highly toxic micro-particles, laced with unhealthy levels of carbon dioxide, Choo-Air-Alot was quick to offer an alternative view.

“This happens every year in Chiang Mai, so I think that you have to look at it as being a natural phenomenon. And we know for a fact, that people love natural products, so how can this possibly be harmful to them? Also, carbon is an essential component of the human body, so having access to it in the form of teeny-tiny particles, surely means that it is quicker and easier for people to digest and that’s got to be a good thing, for today’s sophisticated diner in a hurry.”

Chiang Mai street, showing smog in the air - Rob Gregory Author

Typical steet scene in Chiang Mai today. Believe it or not, there are hills in the distance!

Thailand’s Pollution Control Department, which is charged with controlling pollution, is believed to be blaming the poor air quality on a massive influx of cigarette and pipe smokers into the region, rather than farmers burning off stubble in preparation for next year’s harvest, or rural fire crews allegedly starting forest fires, in order to justify their continued existence, dismissing the latter claims as ‘ludicrous and without any basis in fact’.

Not that it matters to Choo-Air-Alot. “As far as I’m concerned, bad air equals good business. And after all, the health of the local economy has to be worth more than the health of its citizens. Here’s to the next two months. Cheers!”

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BREAKING NEWS: Unfortunately, just after this story went to press, Hee Choo-Air-Alot’s pioneering establishment was closed down by Thai Restaurant Inspectors, when they found an unacceptably low number of cockroaches in his kitchen. We’ll keep you updated on developments, as they unfold…

PS. If you enjoyed this story, then why not check out more of my blogs here and have a look at my books, now including The Lucius Chronicles and Drynwideon, the world’s first anti-fantasy novel.

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