Ever Increasing Collins – A Cartoon

Ever Increasing Collins

… A Surreal Trip Down Memory Lane…

Ever Increasing Collins in all its glory!

Adolescence. It’s a funny old thing. Hormones sloshing wildly around a body which doesn’t seem to know what to do with them. Hair sprouting from funny places and a voice box that goes from bass-baritone to soprano at the most inconvenient of moments. And then there is Ever Increasing Collins, a blast from the past, which took me back to those terrible days of teenage longing, when I stumbled upon it, while sorting out some old papers a week or so ago.

Once upon a time, I was an adolescent and not a very good one at that. I found the whole process extremely troubling and in addition to all of the biological inconveniences alluded to above, I developed a social awkwardness, which took me decades to bring under control. In the end, I resorted to living in a cave, far from human scrutiny and mastered Zen Buddhism, which I now loathe with a passion. You can find out why, if you click here.

Anyway, I digress. Back then, when I still had hair on my head and a body that was more than the flabby, worn-out organ carrier that it is now, I used to doodle. Exercise books, A4 refill pads, postage stamps, nothing was sacred and that included the margins of any piece of paper I could lay my hands on. Most of the time it was stuff copied from whatever anarchistic, Indie publication I was reading at that particular moment.

Favourites included the wonderful ‘Bugs and Drugs’ and it’s predecessor ‘Skate Muties from the 5th Dimension’, as well as ‘Arnie’ and the ever so dark ‘Harpy’ by Nick Mackie, which, as far as I know only ran to two editions… a terrible shame, because it was shaping up to be a fantastic cartoon series of epic proportions.

However, on occasion, I would be assailed by brief flashes of surreal brilliance and pump out images and situations worthy of commentary by the world’s greatest sages. Ever Increasing Collins is not one of those.

Where it came from or why, I have no recollection, but I am glad that it has not seen the light of day until now, because if it had, then I would probably be writing this to myself from the safety of my very own padded cell and the only commentary it would have attracted would have been from criminal psychologists and the male nurses guarding my rubber-walled accommodation on a 24/7 basis.

Happily, I am now a recovered doodler and direct my creative urges towards writing, rather than drawing, so I will leave it up to you to interpret the meaning behind Ever Increasing Collins. A commentary on Shakespearian character definitions, a much loved, yet missing scene from Pride and Prejudice or just the ridiculous scratchings of a bored English student, you be the judge. I very much look forward to your replies.

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Note: Ever Increasing Collins will shortly be available as a limited edition print, with T-shirts, mugs and other useless paraphernalia following close behind. Please contact me directly should you wish to purchase the original artwork. Prices are negotiable, however, you will probably need a rich Nigerian uncle or a recently deceased foreign dictator to have left you some money beforehand, in which case, you can just leave me your bank details and PIN numbers and I will do the rest!

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While you are at it, here are some of the magazines referred to above. Enjoy!

Cover of Bugs and Drugs - Rob Gregory Author

Bugs and Drugs – Issue One.

Cover of Skate Muties From The Fifth Dimension - Rob Gregory Author

Skate Muties From The 5th Dimension – Issue Nine.

Harpy 1 & 2 by Nick Mackie - Rob Gregory Author

Harpy – Issues One and Two. Check out Nick’s latest stuff here.

Arnie – Issue Five.

Amazing Thailand No 6 – Asian Insects

… An occasional series…

Welcome back to Amazing Thailand, the land of smiles, although you might be hard pressed to manage a grin if any of these little critters turned up on your plate!

Yes, that’s right. This time, it’s the turn of Asian insects to feature under the Amazing Thailand spotlight.

Thailand is full of weird and wonderful six-legged creatures. Some of them, like Rhinoceros Beetles and the Oleander Hawk-moth are quite impressive, although the latter does do a very good job of destroying my Busy Lizzie plants, during its larval (caterpillar) stage! Others are merely annoying, such as the ubiquitous cockroaches that scurry around the streets at night. And then there are the edible ones…

Not content with having a plethora of the wee, exoskeleton-wearing beasties running around in the jungle, or living under the house, the Thais have gone a step further and invited them into the kitchen or to be more precise, into their cooking pots.

Ugh, you might say, but the insect protein market is big business in Thailand and Asian insects should fear for their fleeting lives, as they are consumed in ever greater numbers each year. In case you don’t believe me, below is a selection of edible Asian insects that are on sale at my local supermarket, all pre-packaged and frozen for your convenience.

Definitely not for the faint-hearted, enjoy them if you dare!

Asian insects - Bag of Sa Gu Larvae - Rob Gregory Author

Mmm, a lovely bag of frozen Sa Gu worms for dinner tonight.

Asian insects. Close up of Sa Gu Worms - Rob Gregory Author

Just in case you wondered what Sa Gu worms looked like in close up!

Asian insects - Frozen Bamboo Caterpillars - Rob Gregory Author

Frozen Bamboo caterpillar anyone?

Asian insects - Frozen crickets - Rob Gregory Author

Frozen cricket or frozen house cricket, the choice is yours.

Asian insects - Silkworm pupae - Rob Gregory Author

Silkworm pupae. Treat your innards to some silk!

Asian insects - Silkworm pupae and frozen house crickets - Rob Gregory Author

Silkworm pupae and house crickets, a perfect combination for any dinner.

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Stay tuned for more Amazing Thailand soon… hopefully Asian insect free!

CP name change shocker!

… Thai food giant, CP, changes name in surprise announcement…

In an emotional press conference, held outside its first ever Sleven-Eleven store on Patpong Road, Bangkok, a tearful Supali Chariariariot, CEO of Thai food giant, Charred Pophand (CP) stunned investors and customers alike, with the shock announcement of a new name for the beleaguered company.

Over the last few years, CP has been accused of a series of less than ethical business practices, including high-sea slavery and its less glamorous cousin, on-land slavery, which involves forcing Thai farmers into crippling debt, which they cannot escape from. More recently, it has also been implicated as a major contributor to severe air pollution in Northern Thailand, during the annual (and highly illegal) burn-off of crops after harvesting.

Obviously, all of this bad press has taken its toll, because Chariariariot, surrounded by a throng of inquisitive ladyboys, bar-girls and masseuses from the surrounding red-light district, not to mention our own intrepid reporter, Arjan Falangies-Hoojenflicker, dressed only in a mini-skirt and high-heels, broke down at one point during the announcement, saying:

“It’s just not fair! The way that we’ve been demonised by the world’s media, you would think that it was wrong to buy fishmeal from slave ships. I mean, we pass the savings onto our customers, so it’s not like we’re hurting anyone important. To be honest, these allegations have upset me deeply. I’ve only been able to buy myself four new Mercedes so far this year and none of them has made me very happy, which is why, after much thought, I’ve decided to change the name of CP and the way that we work forever.”

It is believed that CP sought the services of major US marketing powerhouse, Big Sticky Balls, to help them come up with the new name and brand identity. The company has an impressive record, having previously worked with President Donald Duck to turn him from an offensive, uneducated moron, into a fun-loving guy, whose witty one-liners have the world in stitches, not to mention turning failed table-dancer and male escort, Jean-Claude Con-Domme, into a Hollywood B-list celebrity (albeit only for a short time).

Speaking about the partnership, Chariariariot said: “With Big Sticky Balls behind us, we can do anything, and I am confident that our new name will be a success and one that the public and consumers alike will gladly swallow without really questioning it.”

And the new name? Well, in a stroke of marketing genius that could only come from Big Sticky Balls and a one-billion-baht paycheck, the company will now be known as PC, which makes everything alright.

“With a name like PC and our new mission to be ‘The soup-kitchen of the world,’ people are going to love us, and all of our previous naughtiness will be quickly forgotten. Being PC is absolutely wonderful and I’m proud to be a part of it,” said Chariariariot. “Besides, if we’re PC in public, then that alone will help draw attention away from what we’re really doing in private,” he added under his breath.

Critics were quick to, well… criticise, the announcement, calling it a white-wash and mere public relations trickery, to which Chariariariot responded: “If you think that I give a crap about what a bunch of long-haired, unwashed vegans and drug-addicts think, then you’re talking to the wrong man. I’ve got their names and they will be dealt with extremely harshly,” before correcting himself and saying, “I feel very sorry for those poor, misguided people. Obviously, they don’t understand all of the good work that we are doing here. We are the good guys. After all, we’re PC.”

So, there you have it. Hot off the press from our very own cross-dressing South East Asian correspondent, Arjan Falangies-Hoojenflicker, CP becomes PC, in one of the biggest shock announcements we’ve ever revealed on this site. Will the new name stick, or will we find yet another human finger in tomorrow’s fishmeal? We’ll bring you the truth… just as soon as we’ve worked out what it is!

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While you’re here, why not check out some of my other Thailand blogs?

Amazing Thailand No 5 – Television Repair

Amazing Thailand!

… Number 5 in an occasional series…

Welcome back to Amazing Thailand!

Okay, so I’ll admit that this particular incident could have happened anywhere, but the fact that it occurred in Thailand just makes it all the more satisfying.

A few months ago, my television broke. Just suddenly stopped working. Nothing, nada, not a flicker of life in the thing. Seeing as it was still under warranty, I took it down to the local service and repair centre, with very low expectations. After all, my previous experiences with warranties on anything in Thailand, let alone consumer electronics, had been very much a case of: “It’s not my problem, mate,” with the guarantee effectively expiring the moment that you left the shop. So, I was amazed, when after about thirty minutes of head scratching by the chaps in the service centre, they finally concluded that the television was indeed not working and that it would have to be sent to Bangkok for repair, a process that would take up to five weeks.

Yes, that’s right, five weeks. Head-scratchingly long for most of us, but then maybe the Bangkok repair centre was swamped by sub-standard television sets that need fixing, or possibly they were planning to send the television there and back by water buffalo, I don’t know. Still, for me, it was something of a coup that they were willing to honour the guarantee at all and so I accepted their terms without hesitation.

LED Television Box with footprint on it - Rob Gregory Author

Notice anything unusual about this box?

Fast forward six weeks and I am sitting in front of the laptop, staring at the tiny screen, doing my best to write, when it suddenly strikes me that the television should be back at the local repair centre. Although they had my phone number, I knew better than to expect a call to tell me that it was ready for collection. The English-Thai language barrier at times can be extremely off-putting, especially when phone calls are concerned, so I decided to schlep down to the place in person and find out.

When I arrived, armed with the sheaf of paperwork that they had given me to identify my case, I was met by a worrying round of perplexed looks from the staff. They couldn’t locate the television! Had it been sent to Bangkok? Nobody seemed to know. Had it actually been repaired? Again, nobody seemed to know. Finally, after about twenty-five minutes of scrabbling around, the offending article was located. However, the general consensus was that it hadn’t actually been sent anywhere at all! You can imagine the look on my face. Need I say that, despite my best efforts, I was on the verge of going ‘Basil Fawlty’ on them?

Any clearer now?

Then, one of the girls behind the desk had the good sense to call the Bangkok repair centre and lo and behold, yes, the television had been sent there, where it had been fixed under warranty and returned the previous week. Hooray! Panic over. The staff, who had been oblivious to the courier labels plastered across the back of the box, announcing its travels around the country, unpacked the television and cheerfully demonstrated to me that it had indeed been repaired.

It was only when I’d got it back home that I noticed the dusty white footprint on the outer packaging. At some point and I know not where or by whom, someone had used the television as a step. This was despite all of the ‘This Way Up’ and ‘Fragile’ markings on the box. Why anyone in their right mind would use a television set, laid flat on the ground as a step is beyond me, but then ‘This Is Thailand’ as they say, and anything can (and often does) happen. It wasn’t even as if the offender had tried to cover their tracks, excuse the pun.

Close up of LED Television Box with footprint on it - Rob Gregory Author

Ahh, there it is!

Thankfully, the television survived its ordeal and has not let me down since. I can only imagine what would have happened if the screen had been broken when they unpacked it. Six more weeks staring at a tiny laptop screen? I think not!

Stay tuned for more ‘Amazing Thailand’ in the near future…

Amazing Thailand No2 – Taxi Etiquette

Driven to Distraction

UK government launches ‘dangerous driving’ holidays, starting summer-2019

In a desperate bid to draw attention away from the howling debacle that is Brexit and free up more Police time for attending political protest rallies, the UK government today introduced the first in a series of new initiatives that will also help swell the nations’ ailing coffers.

Roger de Poledanser, Minister for Tourism, made the announcement from the back of a flatbed truck, travelling the wrong way down the notorious A254 between Margate and Ramsgate.

Lorries on a British motorway. Driven to distraction -Rob Gregory Author

The A254 has never been this much fun! Roger de Poledanser, Minister for Tourism.

“We’re putting the merriment back into motoring, both for our own ‘weekend warriors’ and those visiting the country on their annual vacation,” said Poledanser, hurling eggs and small bags of white powder, presumably flour, at passing cars, while doing the Macarena in a pair of green lurex go-go shorts at the same time.

“As a government, we are, of course, committed to safety, but that has to be balanced against the people’s right to enjoy themselves. Back in the 1950s, driving was a pleasurable pastime, but in recent years, it has grown to become a chore and something drastic has to be done about it,” he continued, while discarding a sack full of nails and half-eaten fast food containers onto the highway.

According to details of the plan, which were delivered through a sound system confiscated from a boy-racer in Lewisham, under previous draconian noise abatement rules, British nationals will be eligible to drive like maniacs, without fear of recrimination for only £60 a weekend, while foreign tourists will be charged a modest £150 a week to do the same while they are visiting the country.

Crashed white car. Driven to distraction - Rob Gregory Author

Don’t worry, be happy. It’s all part of the government’s plan!

Those participating in the scheme will be issued with ‘V’ plates, or for those who choose to pay quarterly, special ‘F-U’ number plates will be issued, featuring an attractive cartoon image of a Bulldog with enormous testicles on one side, complementing the EU flag with one star peeling off on the other.

In place of fines for highway naughtiness, those few remaining police officers that have not been reassigned to protect Nigel Forage, will instead, issue ‘funs’, which will include participating in roadside water-fights, jelly eating competitions and making paper aeroplanes out of ASBO’s.

MP’s, their spouses and rent boys will automatically be enrolled in the scheme, a decision that has drawn criticism from charities supporting low-income households.

“It’s completely unacceptable,” said Marcella Twat, spokesperson for ‘DoleQ’, an organisation that helps support the country’s long-term unemployed. “We see this time and time again. Low or no-income individuals being forced to fork out for benefits which are handed out free to those of privilege and power. I for one shan’t be supporting this and frankly, the government’s idea of what constitutes fun is in very poor taste.”

Vehicles on a country highway. Driven to distraction - Rob Gregory Author

Come drive with me. Come drive your cares away!

Despite this, the government expects the idea to be a roaring success and is preparing for a massive influx of tourists from that part of the world between India and China, keen to experience the unique pleasure of the British roading network, without fear of censure or imprisonment.

Stay tuned for more news…

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Tales Of The Beast – Part 1

Reality shows not ‘real’ enough

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