Drone bring me down
… Police announce new weapon in the fight against crime…
Forget the drone! At a lavish ceremony held today in the Merseyside Hitlon Hotel, Greater Manchester’s Chief of Police, Randy McKeetod, unveiled the latest weapon in the North East’s ongoing war on crime. Standing a little over five feet high, Mrs Doris Umberly, aged 72, greeted the crowd with a smile and wave of her umbrella, before coughing violently and launching her false teeth into the press gallery, much to the delight of onlookers.
“Over the years we’ve wasted millions on new technologies to combat crime, including Stingers, hand-held tasers, high-speed pursuit vehicles and helicopters, only to find that the solution was right on our back doorsteps all along,” said McKeetod, patting Mrs Umberly proudly on the back and helping her clear her throat at the same time. “Starting next month, Mrs Umberly and dozens like her will begin patrolling city streets around the region, providing vital assistance to regular coppers, like myself, in the fight against naughtiness.”
When questioned about the specific functions of the so-called ‘Granny Brigade’, McKeetod, replied: “Their main function will be surveillance: hanging around bus stops, public parks, suburban streets and shopping centres, keeping an eye out for trouble and reporting it to the Police. We may also deploy them in crowd control situations, utilising their screechy, high-pitched voices and worn out anecdotes about what they did when they were young, to disorientate and demotivate would be rioters. Finally, they may, under certain specific situations be called in to assist armed police units, either acting as a low-cost human shield or more probably using their walking sticks and umbrellas to trip up unsuspecting bank robbers, gangsters and terrorists. Frankly, the potential applications of ‘Little Old Ladies’ or LOLs as a crimefighting asset are limitless and we’re only just beginning to scratch the surface.”
During the launch event, Mrs Umberly demonstrated several of the skills that made her and those like her such an obvious choice for the role, including yelling out “It was him! He done it! I seen everything, Officer!” at 120dB, wandering aimlessly along a pavement, thus slowing down escaping shoplifters and whacking a would-be mugger repeatedly over the head with a special, police issue handbag until an arrest could be made, a process which took just over two and a half hours.
“We did look at drone technology,” admitted McKeetod after the event, “but to be honest, it just wasn’t worth it. Mrs Umberly and the rest of the Granny Brigade will work for only a modest increase in their £1.49 a decade State Pensions and free bus rides, thus making them the most cost-effective and taxpayer-friendly option available.”
So, there you have it. Starting next month, the North East should be a much safer place to be, thanks to the efforts of Mrs Umberly and her friends. And to paraphrase the old crimefighting adage: ‘Watch out! There’s a granny about.”
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