Driven to Distraction
UK government launches ‘dangerous driving’ holidays, starting summer-2019
In a desperate bid to draw attention away from the howling debacle that is Brexit and free up more Police time for attending political protest rallies, the UK government today introduced the first in a series of new initiatives that will also help swell the nations’ ailing coffers.
Roger de Poledanser, Minister for Tourism, made the announcement from the back of a flatbed truck, travelling the wrong way down the notorious A254 between Margate and Ramsgate.
“We’re putting the merriment back into motoring, both for our own ‘weekend warriors’ and those visiting the country on their annual vacation,” said Poledanser, hurling eggs and small bags of white powder, presumably flour, at passing cars, while doing the Macarena in a pair of green lurex go-go shorts at the same time.
“As a government, we are, of course, committed to safety, but that has to be balanced against the people’s right to enjoy themselves. Back in the 1950s, driving was a pleasurable pastime, but in recent years, it has grown to become a chore and something drastic has to be done about it,” he continued, while discarding a sack full of nails and half-eaten fast food containers onto the highway.
According to details of the plan, which were delivered through a sound system confiscated from a boy-racer in Lewisham, under previous draconian noise abatement rules, British nationals will be eligible to drive like maniacs, without fear of recrimination for only £60 a weekend, while foreign tourists will be charged a modest £150 a week to do the same while they are visiting the country.
Those participating in the scheme will be issued with ‘V’ plates, or for those who choose to pay quarterly, special ‘F-U’ number plates will be issued, featuring an attractive cartoon image of a Bulldog with enormous testicles on one side, complementing the EU flag with one star peeling off on the other.
In place of fines for highway naughtiness, those few remaining police officers that have not been reassigned to protect Nigel Forage, will instead, issue ‘funs’, which will include participating in roadside water-fights, jelly eating competitions and making paper aeroplanes out of ASBO’s.
MP’s, their spouses and rent boys will automatically be enrolled in the scheme, a decision that has drawn criticism from charities supporting low-income households.
“It’s completely unacceptable,” said Marcella Twat, spokesperson for ‘DoleQ’, an organisation that helps support the country’s long-term unemployed. “We see this time and time again. Low or no-income individuals being forced to fork out for benefits which are handed out free to those of privilege and power. I for one shan’t be supporting this and frankly, the government’s idea of what constitutes fun is in very poor taste.”
Despite this, the government expects the idea to be a roaring success and is preparing for a massive influx of tourists from that part of the world between India and China, keen to experience the unique pleasure of the British roading network, without fear of censure or imprisonment.
Stay tuned for more news…