Angkor What? Discovery leaves experts baffled

New discovery leaves archaeologists baffled

… You heard it here first…

CAMBODIA: Archaeologists exploring a recently unearthed section of the massive temple complex, known as Angkor Wat, have been left scratching their heads, by the discovery of what appears to be a ‘Made in Italy’ sign, found in a subterranean cellar, deep below the main gallery.

The sign, discovered by head dirt scraper, Enzo Spaghetti, during a NABISCO sponsored rummage through the sacred remains of other peoples’ cultures, has upset locals and caused many of the world’s other professional Indiana Jones impersonators, to label the find as fake, or a cheap publicity stunt, designed to put Spaghetti’s ailing career back on the map.

However, Spaghetti, who has previously courted controversy with finds including, a ‘CE’ mark at on a rock at Stonehenge and a Cadbury’s logo carved into the statues on Easter Egg Island, remains firm on the matter, claiming that his discovery is indeed genuine and that once and for all, the myth that the 162-hectare monument was built overnight by a divine architect of Asian descent, has been debunked.

Stonehenge. Here be druids… and a CE mark, if you look closely.

“I am as surprised as you are…” said Spaghetti, speaking in an exclusive interview with our border-hopping Asian Correspondent, Arjan Falangies-Hoojenflicker, who was wearing khaki, satin, cargo shorts, a battered Fedora and a bull-whip for the historic meeting.

“… But to me, it is indisputable. Angkor Wat was built by the Romans and this twelfth-century design and construction tale that everyone believes, is nonsense. It is nothing more than a smokescreen to prevent the real architects of the monument, us poor Italians, from claiming all the glory. I mean, look at the columns, not to mention the very design of the massive towers outside. You would have to be crazy not to see the similarities with classical Roman architecture. It is as plain as the nose on my face, which is also Roman, by the way.”

The ‘Made in Italy’ sign, which Spaghetti allegedly found scratched into the wall of the temple, just above floor level, has an amateur look about it and lacks the feel of antiquity of the surrounding décor, a point which critics have been quick to jump on.

Tower at Angkor Wat in Cambodia - Rob Gregory Author

Tower at Angkor Wat. Of Roman design, if you believe Enzo Spaghetti, that is.

Speaking on behalf of the Archaeological Research Society of Europe (ARSE), Doctor Hibiscus Flange of Oxbridge University, said: “It is obvious to us that the fellow has scratched the writing onto the wall himself, in what has to be one of the greatest acts of archaeological vandalism in living memory. If he was a complete ARSE member, then we would excrete him from the society without delay. Unfortunately, he isn’t, so we can’t.”

When questioned about the authenticity of the find, Spaghetti was quick to defend his claim: “Of course, the writing is a bit wobbly and looks scratched into the stone. That’s because it was! The Romans didn’t have the luxury of modern technology and it is amazing that they managed to build something as magnificent as this with the basic tools that they had. It probably took some poor Centurion over a week to etch those words into the stone, using nothing more than his bare hands and the fingernails of several dozen of his slaves.”

Statues on Easter Island - Rob Gregory Author

Statues on Easter Egg Island. According to Enzo Spaghetti, Cadbury got there first!

However, despite Spaghetti’s compelling arguments, the one question on everyone’s lips and the one question that Spaghetti himself cannot answer, without looking guilty, is: If the sign is genuine, then why is it written in English and not Latin?

After the official interview, our reporter was approached by Spaghetti’s personal chef, a moustached man of Italian-American descent, called Hocks, who is believed to be an associate of the famous Vietnam war leader, Colonel Klutz. Hocks had this to say about his boss: “This Spaghetti guy – he’s wacko, man. He’s worse than crazy. He’s evil. I mean… it’s Pagan idolatry around here. Look around you!”

So, there you have it. Rumour and speculation about the true origins of Angkor Wat continue to abound this evening, but as far as one man is concerned, it is not even worth boiling a sausage for!

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CP name change shocker!

… Thai food giant, CP, changes name in surprise announcement…

In an emotional press conference, held outside its first ever Sleven-Eleven store on Patpong Road, Bangkok, a tearful Supali Chariariariot, CEO of Thai food giant, Charred Pophand (CP) stunned investors and customers alike, with the shock announcement of a new name for the beleaguered company.

Over the last few years, CP has been accused of a series of less than ethical business practices, including high-sea slavery and its less glamorous cousin, on-land slavery, which involves forcing Thai farmers into crippling debt, which they cannot escape from. More recently, it has also been implicated as a major contributor to severe air pollution in Northern Thailand, during the annual (and highly illegal) burn-off of crops after harvesting.

Obviously, all of this bad press has taken its toll, because Chariariariot, surrounded by a throng of inquisitive ladyboys, bar-girls and masseuses from the surrounding red-light district, not to mention our own intrepid reporter, Arjan Falangies-Hoojenflicker, dressed only in a mini-skirt and high-heels, broke down at one point during the announcement, saying:

“It’s just not fair! The way that we’ve been demonised by the world’s media, you would think that it was wrong to buy fishmeal from slave ships. I mean, we pass the savings onto our customers, so it’s not like we’re hurting anyone important. To be honest, these allegations have upset me deeply. I’ve only been able to buy myself four new Mercedes so far this year and none of them has made me very happy, which is why, after much thought, I’ve decided to change the name of CP and the way that we work forever.”

It is believed that CP sought the services of major US marketing powerhouse, Big Sticky Balls, to help them come up with the new name and brand identity. The company has an impressive record, having previously worked with President Donald Duck to turn him from an offensive, uneducated moron, into a fun-loving guy, whose witty one-liners have the world in stitches, not to mention turning failed table-dancer and male escort, Jean-Claude Con-Domme, into a Hollywood B-list celebrity (albeit only for a short time).

Speaking about the partnership, Chariariariot said: “With Big Sticky Balls behind us, we can do anything, and I am confident that our new name will be a success and one that the public and consumers alike will gladly swallow without really questioning it.”

And the new name? Well, in a stroke of marketing genius that could only come from Big Sticky Balls and a one-billion-baht paycheck, the company will now be known as PC, which makes everything alright.

“With a name like PC and our new mission to be ‘The soup-kitchen of the world,’ people are going to love us, and all of our previous naughtiness will be quickly forgotten. Being PC is absolutely wonderful and I’m proud to be a part of it,” said Chariariariot. “Besides, if we’re PC in public, then that alone will help draw attention away from what we’re really doing in private,” he added under his breath.

Critics were quick to, well… criticise, the announcement, calling it a white-wash and mere public relations trickery, to which Chariariariot responded: “If you think that I give a crap about what a bunch of long-haired, unwashed vegans and drug-addicts think, then you’re talking to the wrong man. I’ve got their names and they will be dealt with extremely harshly,” before correcting himself and saying, “I feel very sorry for those poor, misguided people. Obviously, they don’t understand all of the good work that we are doing here. We are the good guys. After all, we’re PC.”

So, there you have it. Hot off the press from our very own cross-dressing South East Asian correspondent, Arjan Falangies-Hoojenflicker, CP becomes PC, in one of the biggest shock announcements we’ve ever revealed on this site. Will the new name stick, or will we find yet another human finger in tomorrow’s fishmeal? We’ll bring you the truth… just as soon as we’ve worked out what it is!

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While you’re here, why not check out some of my other Thailand blogs?

The Lucius Chronicles Hits One Million Sales

… This is the interview that I will give when the inevitable happens…

Editor’s Note: It is April 1, okay… Read on and enjoy yourselves!

*****

So, The Lucius Chronicles has just hit one million sales. Congratulations! How are you feeling at the moment?

Bewildered. Amazed. Hugely overjoyed. I mean, it really is a dream come true. To have this level of success with a book and so soon after publication, too. It really is fantastic. Absolutely out of this world, in fact!

For those people who haven’t yet discovered The Lucius Chronicles, tell us a little bit about the book and why they should read it.

The Lucius Chronicles is a compilation of the three books that make up the DATS Trilogy: Death and the Schoolboy, Death and the Atom Bomb, and Death and the End. They follow the adventures of Johnny and Eddie, the Death of Children, as they try to save the Earth, Deathville and ultimately, the entire Universe, from Uncle Lucius, the oldest, wisest and most unpleasant of all the Deaths.

It was originally intended as a children’s book, so I just let my imagination run wild when I was creating the storyline, to give kids something really unusual and exciting to get their teeth into. But since its release, it seems to have found a much wider audience, which is really heartening for me to discover.

Death is a pretty morbid subject to be writing about. Don’t you think that it will put readers, especially younger ones, off?

Not at all. Death is something that happens all around us, every day, whether it’s a fly found on a windowsill or the passing of a family pet or a relative, and I think that we do kids a disservice by shielding them from the reality of it. And besides, The Lucius Chronicles follows the pattern of all classic children’s literature, in that none of the heroes actually die and it is only the really bad guys that meet a grisly end.

Rather than thinking of it as a book about death or something grim and frightening, I view it as just a really exciting adventure story that happens to take place in a slightly dark and spooky world beyond our own, which is something that I believe younger readers will really enjoy.

What are you going to do with all the royalties that are pouring in? Hopefully, not retire!

No, definitely not retire. As I say on my website (www.rob-gregory.com) writing is in my blood and I can’t see myself ever stopping. The royalties are just a means to an end, which in my case, means that I can continue writing stories that I hope will entertain and delight people for many, many years to come.

It hasn’t always been like this for you. Tell us about the early days, when you first began writing.

Well, I first started writing full-time back in 2017 and initially, I was full of optimism, like any other aspiring writer, I suppose. Looking back, I didn’t realise how hard it would be to get noticed, let alone actually be read by anyone and as the years passed — and we are talking years — my confidence started to get eroded as the silence around me grew ever louder. I was following all of the advice out there, trying to build an audience on Facebook and Twitter, as well as on other networking and book-fan sites. I even spent a fair bit of money on advertising, but without much success. I’ll freely admit that there were times when I got pretty depressed and frustrated, but even when I was at my lowest ebb, I still believed that what I was putting out there was worthy of an audience, which helped keep me going.

The Lucius Chronicles. A book by R.A. Gregory Author

The Lucius Chronicles by R.A. Gregory. This is what all the fuss is about!

Out of all the books and short stories that you’ve written to date, which is your favourite?

Oh, that’s a horrible question! To be honest, I love all of the things that I’ve written equally. It’s a politician’s answer, I know, but that’s the truth. Each story that I’ve created is different and because of that, it’s unique. The DATS Trilogy and The Lucius Chronicles get me because they are magical, and I find myself flying through them, lost in the world that I created. With Drynwideon, it’s the situations and sarcastic banter between the main characters that I enjoy the most, plus, the ending makes me smile every time! And as for the short stories, I love the way that the majority of them either have a subtle twist or deal with a completely new idea or situation. Even the piece that I am working on at the moment, provisionally entitled, Turning the Tide, is a really rewarding experience, which has allowed me to blend my own experiences in Northern Thailand, with fictional characters and a plot that would never likely happen in real life, but is just plausible enough, that it might.

You mentioned Drynwideon, the world’s first anti-fantasy novel. Any plans for a sequel or series?

Yes, I think that I’ve mentioned elsewhere that I’d like to do a sequel to Drynwideon. Although I originally intended it to be a single volume story, ever since I finished it, I’ve had people asking me what happened to Drin, the cheeky but lovable hero next. I’ve got a few ideas, which I’m playing around with at the moment, so who knows, maybe a sequel will be out by the end of the year or early next?

Talking about series. Which do you prefer, a series or a stand-alone novel?

Another tricky question! For me, I tend to prefer stand-alone novels, because I don’t get left on a cliff hanger, which I find really frustrating and annoying. That said, I’ve come across some really good series, such as the Farseer Trilogy by Robin Hobb and the Ea Cycle by David Zindell. I guess, and it’s another politician’s answer I’m afraid, if you can create a series, where every volume is a stand-alone story, such as The Flashman Papers by George MacDonald Fraser or Terry Pratchett’s Discworld books, then I’m in seventh heaven.

Self-publishing has become a massive growth industry over the last ten years or so. What are your thoughts on the viability of the traditional publishing industry?

Funnily enough, I think that traditional publishing still has a lot of steam left in it, despite the rise of self-published eBooks. For one thing, there’s no shortage of new titles coming out each year and while more and more people are reading electronically, there are still many folks out there who still really enjoy flicking through a physical book.

One thing which I think that traditional publishers will need to do, and in some cases, are already doing, is to embrace new technology and market their titles as widely as possible online. And they do have an advantage in this regard, which I think is currently underplayed. That is, by the time that a traditionally published book reaches the shelves, regardless of whether they are physical or electronic shelves, that book will have been critiqued, edited, proofread and prepared to an extremely high standard, meaning that it should be an exceptional quality purchase for the reader.

What about literary agents? How do you see their role changing as a result of the self-publishing onslaught?

I think that literary agents still play a vital role in bridging the gap between the author and publisher, and I firmly believe that this will be the case in the future, especially for eBook publishing. If you have a good agent, then they should be doing everything possible to get you the best deal for your work, regardless of whether it is physical or electronic. In fact, I’d go as far as to say that if you have a really good agent, then they should not only be exhausting all possible traditional publishing routes for you, but also looking at whether or not your book would perform better in virtual space and helping to you to maximise its success there as well. After all, it’s all about money at the end of the day and if your book isn’t performing at its peak, then it’s not making you, or your agent, as much as it could!

R.A. Gregory the author, with an urban street scene behind him. Rob Gregory Author

R.A. Gregory – Author of The Lucius Chronicles

You create amazing worlds and characters, unlike anything that’s gone before. In many ways, you’re something of a genre-buster. But you must have influences. Care to tell us something about them?

I’ve said this before, but my feeling is that everything I’ve ever read has influenced me in some way or other. Even the books that I’ve really struggled with have left an impression on me. Apart from authors showing me what makes a captivating story, through the power of their writing, I guess that I’ve been influenced by a great many individual writers, among them the likes of Douglas Adams, Arthur C Clarke and David Gemmell.

Have you ever started to write a story and then completely given up on it?

No, I don’t think that I have. I’ve had difficulties with stories in the past and like every author, I grapple with writer’s block on occasion, but no, everything that I’ve started, I’ve finished, even if there have been times when it has been an uphill battle. And do you know what? When those particular stories were completed, I often secretly enjoyed them a little bit more than the ones that were easier to write.

You said in a Smashwords interview that you might publish, The Bunker, the short story you wrote for your English exam at school. Any news on that front?

It’s still in the pipeline. To be honest, I’m a little scared about turning the first page after all these years, just in case I don’t like what’s inside. That said, I do think that it would be nice to share it with the world, so that they can see where it all began. And, of course, it might just turn out to be another great read!

What would you say has been your proudest moment during your career to date?

I think that it would have to be the moment that I took delivery of the physical copies of Drynwideon, back in 2018. Even though most of what I’ve published to date has been done online, I’m one of those people who still loves a physical book and to have it there in my hand, with the smell of freshly printed paper accosting my nostrils, made it real in a way that was sublimely delightful.

Is there anything that you would change about your novels or writing style?

Not really. There are always improvements or changes that could be made and it’s really easy to do with eBooks, but on the whole, I try to avoid altering the content of a book once it’s out there. Instead, I concentrate on making my next book even better than the one before it.

As for my style, well, it’s really just an extension of who I am, so I don’t think that there’s any way that I could really change it significantly, without doing myself a mental injury or two in the process. Of course, as with anything, style does change as you grow and evolve, so I wouldn’t be surprised if my books in the future have a slightly different look and feel about them to those that I’ve written so far.

So, what’s next? What can we expect from the stable of Rob Gregory in the next twelve months?

Well, I’m currently working on Turning the Tide, as mentioned above. Then there’s an outrageous Sci-Fi comedy in the pipeline, which I hope will delight and offend readers in equal amounts. And, of course, there are always the short stories that I’m working on, which I plan to either publish in magazines or compile into an anthology. Finally, as I mentioned earlier, the sequel to Drynwideon might just see the light of day before the end of the year. Who knows? You’ll just have to wait and see.

Finally, what words of advice do you have for authors who are just starting out on their journey?

Believe in yourself and keep on trying. It’s the only way to succeed. Either that or marry the boss of a major global publishing company. Not really an option in my case, as you can see from my promotional pictures!

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If you haven’t grabbed your copy of The Lucius Chronicles yet, you can see what all the fuss is about by clicking on the links below:

Amazon

Smashwords

Barnes & Noble

iBooks

Kobo

And, finally… Happy April Fool’s Day, one and all. We haven’t quite reached one million sales yet, but with your help, maybe we will!

Air, so thick, you could eat it

Chiang Mai businessman opens world’s first ‘air restaurant’ in famous city of smog

A humorous look at the serious topic of Thailand’s poor air quailty

By Makin Melungsurt (Special News Correspondent)

With the eyes, ears and noses of the world focused firmly on the news that the picturesque town of Chiang Mai, in Northern Thailand, officially has the worst air pollution in the world, local businessman, Hee Choo-Air-Alot, has found a silver lining, hidden in the clouds of smog pouring into the city.

In what is believed to be a global first, Choo-Air-Alot has opened a restaurant giving customers access to what he says, is: “a soup of delicious, naturally occurring nutrients, not available anywhere else on the planet.”

For only five hundred baht — about fifteen dollars — for five minutes exposure, customers can enjoy access to a range of specially selected, smog-laden airs, sourced from various parts of the city, delivered through modified oxygen masks, in the comfort of his air-conditioned restaurant, situated on the edge of Chiang Mai’s sleepy Loi Kroh road.

Golden Gate bridge in smog - Rob Gregory Author

View this morning from Nawarat Bridge, Chiang Mai.

“During the day, we are only able to serve brown air, referring to the grading system used by the International Air Quality Index system. However, for those who choose to dine with us during the evening hours, we are pleased to be able to offer a wider selection, including purple, red and orange air,” said Choo-Air-Alot, somewhat surprisingly speaking through a full-face respirator, of the type normally worn by soldiers during gas attacks. “We have had some interest from customers wanting to try green air, but frankly, there’s nothing at all in that, so I can’t see it really taking off,” he added, offering our intrepid on-site intern, Carcy Nogen, a free sample of what appeared to be pale-grey air, trapped in a glass jar.

When challenged that the air he was selling was, in fact, loaded with a mixture of highly toxic micro-particles, laced with unhealthy levels of carbon dioxide, Choo-Air-Alot was quick to offer an alternative view.

“This happens every year in Chiang Mai, so I think that you have to look at it as being a natural phenomenon. And we know for a fact, that people love natural products, so how can this possibly be harmful to them? Also, carbon is an essential component of the human body, so having access to it in the form of teeny-tiny particles, surely means that it is quicker and easier for people to digest and that’s got to be a good thing, for today’s sophisticated diner in a hurry.”

Chiang Mai street, showing smog in the air - Rob Gregory Author

Typical steet scene in Chiang Mai today. Believe it or not, there are hills in the distance!

Thailand’s Pollution Control Department, which is charged with controlling pollution, is believed to be blaming the poor air quality on a massive influx of cigarette and pipe smokers into the region, rather than farmers burning off stubble in preparation for next year’s harvest, or rural fire crews allegedly starting forest fires, in order to justify their continued existence, dismissing the latter claims as ‘ludicrous and without any basis in fact’.

Not that it matters to Choo-Air-Alot. “As far as I’m concerned, bad air equals good business. And after all, the health of the local economy has to be worth more than the health of its citizens. Here’s to the next two months. Cheers!”

*****

BREAKING NEWS: Unfortunately, just after this story went to press, Hee Choo-Air-Alot’s pioneering establishment was closed down by Thai Restaurant Inspectors, when they found an unacceptably low number of cockroaches in his kitchen. We’ll keep you updated on developments, as they unfold…

PS. If you enjoyed this story, then why not check out more of my blogs here and have a look at my books, now including The Lucius Chronicles and Drynwideon, the world’s first anti-fantasy novel.

Driven to Distraction

UK government launches ‘dangerous driving’ holidays, starting summer-2019

In a desperate bid to draw attention away from the howling debacle that is Brexit and free up more Police time for attending political protest rallies, the UK government today introduced the first in a series of new initiatives that will also help swell the nations’ ailing coffers.

Roger de Poledanser, Minister for Tourism, made the announcement from the back of a flatbed truck, travelling the wrong way down the notorious A254 between Margate and Ramsgate.

Lorries on a British motorway. Driven to distraction -Rob Gregory Author

The A254 has never been this much fun! Roger de Poledanser, Minister for Tourism.

“We’re putting the merriment back into motoring, both for our own ‘weekend warriors’ and those visiting the country on their annual vacation,” said Poledanser, hurling eggs and small bags of white powder, presumably flour, at passing cars, while doing the Macarena in a pair of green lurex go-go shorts at the same time.

“As a government, we are, of course, committed to safety, but that has to be balanced against the people’s right to enjoy themselves. Back in the 1950s, driving was a pleasurable pastime, but in recent years, it has grown to become a chore and something drastic has to be done about it,” he continued, while discarding a sack full of nails and half-eaten fast food containers onto the highway.

According to details of the plan, which were delivered through a sound system confiscated from a boy-racer in Lewisham, under previous draconian noise abatement rules, British nationals will be eligible to drive like maniacs, without fear of recrimination for only £60 a weekend, while foreign tourists will be charged a modest £150 a week to do the same while they are visiting the country.

Crashed white car. Driven to distraction - Rob Gregory Author

Don’t worry, be happy. It’s all part of the government’s plan!

Those participating in the scheme will be issued with ‘V’ plates, or for those who choose to pay quarterly, special ‘F-U’ number plates will be issued, featuring an attractive cartoon image of a Bulldog with enormous testicles on one side, complementing the EU flag with one star peeling off on the other.

In place of fines for highway naughtiness, those few remaining police officers that have not been reassigned to protect Nigel Forage, will instead, issue ‘funs’, which will include participating in roadside water-fights, jelly eating competitions and making paper aeroplanes out of ASBO’s.

MP’s, their spouses and rent boys will automatically be enrolled in the scheme, a decision that has drawn criticism from charities supporting low-income households.

“It’s completely unacceptable,” said Marcella Twat, spokesperson for ‘DoleQ’, an organisation that helps support the country’s long-term unemployed. “We see this time and time again. Low or no-income individuals being forced to fork out for benefits which are handed out free to those of privilege and power. I for one shan’t be supporting this and frankly, the government’s idea of what constitutes fun is in very poor taste.”

Vehicles on a country highway. Driven to distraction - Rob Gregory Author

Come drive with me. Come drive your cares away!

Despite this, the government expects the idea to be a roaring success and is preparing for a massive influx of tourists from that part of the world between India and China, keen to experience the unique pleasure of the British roading network, without fear of censure or imprisonment.

Stay tuned for more news…

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Tales Of The Beast – Part 1

Reality shows not ‘real’ enough

Why I hate Zen Buddhism

… Or ‘The Trouble with Transcendence’…

A few years ago, my life was absolute chaos. Writing, working, running a bar, raising a small child and trying to avoid an untimely death at the paws of a psychotically happy puppy, I was a stress-bunny’s poster boy. Anyone unlucky enough to have caught a glimpse inside my head at that time would have seen the early stages of Hieronymus Bosch’s famous ‘Train Crash at Tooting Broadway’ taking shape.

I’d tried everything; ‘The Sixteen Habits of Ultra-Effective People’, ‘Ten Time Saving Techniques for Bar Owning Parents with Writing Aspirations’, ‘Madame Wa’s Oriental Guide to Happiness through Knives’, but none of them had helped. Even ‘Life For Dummies’, my go-to resource for handy tips on navigating the ebb and flow of daily existence had failed me. I was in trouble. And with the lifejacket of sanity leaking badly and the inflation tube of reason unsurprisingly blocked, I was in imminent danger of going down for the third time and not re-emerging to tell this tale.

The journey of a thousand steps begins with a steep climb… it figures.

And then I saw them. Mixed in amongst the travelling evangelists with their white shirts and bicycles (like that’s going to save the world), the New-Age druids and the Hip-Hop Choristers, they swept through the crowd like two bare-headed Knights clad only in orange robes. Possessed of an almost angelic serenity, they smiled at me and in that moment, I saw only peace and hope in their eyes for my addled brain.

Two monk Parakeets coloured orange - Rob Gregory Author

Brothers Koan and Zen, in their parakeet aspect.

The taller of the two introduced himself as Leonard Koan, while the smaller one referred to himself, somewhat cryptically, as Ben Zen. They were monks travelling on a pilgrimage of enlightenment, offering their services to troubled souls, like mine, that they happened upon in the gutter of existence. So, in the same way as a fish in a bowl seeks the open space of the ocean beyond, I took their hands and began my spiritual journey towards enlightenment.

Two goldfish in orange water - Rob Gregory Author

Barry – I wonder what’s out there? Errol – Why is this water orange? Have you been..?

It was not an easy journey. My days began at five in the morning and involved a lot of running up and down mountains, cooking rice one grain at a time and cleaning the food bowls of my mentors. In between were the lessons, most of which involved me either trying to persuade people to get out of the snow without touching them, discovering the middle names of the four winds, or covering myself with sandals. I never really worked out what that last one was about, but even now, I still have an aversion to open-toed footwear.

Tree perched on the side of a mountain - Rob Gregory Author

If a tree falls off a mountainside, does anyone really care apart from the person that’s standing underneath it?

In between admonishments, which were frequent because I was not a gifted student, and which generally took the form of taunts such as ‘your original face was a chicken’s scrotum’, I would sit cross-legged on a pointed stick and discuss the why of the world with Master Koan. Then after sweeping the floor of the cave with a blade of grass and tickling Master Zen’s bottom with a pigeon’s feather (nothing spiritual about that, he just liked it), I would finish my bowl of cold rice and retire to contemplate the day’s teachings and pray for enlightenment to find me.

And then it did… One day, when I’d just about had enough of being pontificated to by Master Zen, I suddenly snapped and yelled at the pair of them: “You can shove your broken mirrors up your backsides! I’ve had enough of this! Enlightenment isn’t about sitting in a cave. It’s right back where I started!”

No sooner were the words out of my mouth than Master Koan stood up and gave me a right hook that almost knocked my teeth loose. Then, he composed himself and folding his arms in front of him, he looked at Master Zen and said: “Our work here is done. Finally, the student is the master.” And with that, they both gave me the same knowing smile that they had on the first day that I’d met them and vanished in a puff of slightly suspicious herbal smelling smoke.

White buddhist temple - Rob Gregory Author

The road to enlightenment is a long and difficult one.

And now I’m enlightened, which is why I hate Zen Buddhism. While I was studying, my mind was still in turmoil, a swirling maelstrom of conflicting thought that, somewhat ironically, gave rise to my creative talents. But with Nirvana came peace. And with peace, came silence. No more conflict, no more crazy juxtapositions, no more chaos… no more creativity.

Not that it actually matters anymore. You see, now that I’m at one with the universe, everything that I write, or could possibly ever write, will be read by everyone else in the universe at the exact moment that I put pen to paper. And if anyone actually bought anything that I’d written, then because we are all one and the same, we’d all get richer by the same amount. It’s an awful, but inescapable truth, at least when you’re as Zenned up as I am.

So now I just spend my days wandering around supermarkets, scaring unsuspecting shoppers with a smug, all-knowing smile on my face or occasionally hang around forests, listening for falling trees. All in all, it’s not a bad existence and I get by just fine. But I’ll tell you one thing, enlightened or not. If that guy with one arm doesn’t stop clapping, then I’m going to go over and give him such a kick up the arse that he won’t know what hit him!

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