How to get a police certificate in Thailand

How to get a police certificate in Thailand

Everything you need to know about getting a police certificate in Thailand

… by someone who did it the hard way!

Recently, I had to get a police certificate, also known as a criminal check or a penal record, from the Royal Thailand Police. Although it is not that common for foreigners in Thailand to need one, you might do if you have been out of your home country for some time, are starting a new job in Thailand or applying for a visa from another country. Given that nothing is easy when it comes to navigating the Thai bureaucratic system, especially when you might not speak the language very well, I have put together this handy guide to help you, based on my own experiences.


What you will need to get a police certificate in Thailand (as a foreigner)

  • A copy of the identity (photo) page of every passport that you hold.
  • A copy of your Thailand visa.
  • A copy of your Thailand work permit (if you are working in the country).
  • A copy of your TM30 (notification of where you live).
  • A copy of your TM6 (departure card).
  • A copy of your most recent ninety-day (90 day) report.

Depending on your country of origin, you may need to get these copies certified, although in many cases a normal photocopy is sufficient. Give the Police Clearance Service Centre a call before you visit in person, to check the requirements. The phone number is: 02 205 2168.


A Thai TM30 form needed for a police certificate - Rob Gregory Author

A TM30. If you don’t have one of these, you are in trouble and could face a 1,600 Baht fine!


With regard to Thailand visas, I would recommend taking a copy of every visa that you have had while living in the country, just to avoid the possibility of any problems when you get to the office.

It is also a good idea to take your original passports as well, just in case. This is Thailand after all and anything could happen!


Apply for your police certificate in person if you are in the country

As far as I can tell, if you are in Thailand when you apply for a police certificate, then you must do so in person, at the Police Clearance Service Centre in Bangkok. This is because they will take a copy of your fingerprints on the day. For those applying outside of the country, there are other procedures that you must follow. Check the Police Clearance Service Centre website for details if you are applying from outside Thailand.

If you are not living in Bangkok, this can be a bit of a pain, because of the additional travel involved, but unfortunately, nowhere else in the country is allowed to issue a police certificate at this point in time, so you’ll just have to take it on the chin.


Call ahead before you travel!

The Police Clearance Service Centre is open from 08:30-16:30 on weekdays and does not close for lunch. The only times that it is closed are outside these hours and on public holidays, however, I would strongly advise that you call them on 02 205 2168 a couple of days before you travel to double check that they will be open.

I travelled down with my family on a normal weekday, only to discover that the clearance centre staff had been seconded to provide support for an ASEAN meeting that was taking place in the capital. This meant that I had to go back the following day to get my business done, which was less than ideal, seeing as how I was staying in Chiang Mai, some 700km away!


Homepage of the police certificate website in English - Rob Gregory

Homepage of the Thailand Police Clearance Service Centre website. Note: The download link for the application form does not work!


Note: While events like exceptional closures might well be notified in the press and on TV, such notifications may well not be in English and are easily missed. For example, the Police Clearance Service Centre website itself, is fairly basic and does not have any information about opening times, let alone special closures on it. The best thing to do is to call ahead to check that they are open for business. The number is: 02 205 2168.


Travel to the Royal Thailand Police Headquarters in Bangkok

Fly, drive, hitch-hike or walk, whatever suits you best, to the police headquarters in Bangkok. It is located on Rama 1 Road, in Pratum Wan, a stone’s throw from two major shopping malls, Central World and Siam Paragon. It is a huge complex and very hard to miss, with signs both in English and Thai. Plus, the exterior railings are painted in the distinctive plum red of the Thailand police force!

Foreigners can enter the complex without ID. Just walk through the metal detector at the gatehouse and smile at the police on guard. Thailand nationals must surrender a photo ID, e.g. ID card or driving licence, in exchange for a visitor’s pass before they are allowed to enter.

You will need to go to ‘Building 10’, NOT ‘Building 24’ as listed on the Police Clearance Service Centre website. Just ask the guards and they will tell you where to go (in a nice way, of course).


Map of the Royal Thai Police HQ - Rob Gregory Author

Map of the Royal Thai Police Headquarters, in Bangkok, showing the Police Clearance Service Centre (pinned).


Start queuing for your police certificate

Building 10 is quite small and can easily get crowded with people seeking police certificates, so stay calm and prepare yourself for a bit of a wait. The good news is that once you start the process, it doesn’t take too long to complete and by Thailand standards is pretty well organised.

While you are waiting, you can take advantage of the ‘gift shop’ just inside the front entrance to buy gifts for your loved ones, including Royal Thai Police clothing patches and a range of rather serious looking knives (I am not joking about this).


Main entrance of the Royal Thai Police HQ - Rob Gregory Author

The main entrance to the Royal Thai Police Headquarters, in Bangkok. Image taken from Google Maps.


Getting a Thailand police certificate – the physical process

Step 1 – Justify yourself

An officer sitting directly opposite the main doors will ask you what you want the police certificate for and if you are travelling overseas, when you plan to do so. Thailand police certificates are only valid for one month after being issued, although most governments will accept them for several months after this. Once you have satisfied the officer (you don’t need to provide any supporting evidence), they will give you an application form and a fingerprint card. Don’t bother trying to download the application form off the website, the link does not work!

Step 2 –Fill in the forms

Go to the table and complete both forms. In a rare display of forward thinking, there are samples in both English and Thai, to help you fill in the right information in the right spaces. Remember, in Thailand, the Thai script comes first, so make sure you double check before putting pen to paper, as it is easy to fill in the wrong boxes.

Step 3 –Get your documents checked

Go to the table next to the one where you completed the application and fingerprint forms. An officer there will check your forms and scribble on them. They will also check your photocopies. This is where I fell foul of the system. I needed the police certificate for New Zealand, but had my visa in my British passport, so only took copies of my British one to Bangkok (silly of me, I know). I managed to print out a copy of my NZ one from my laptop at a very helpful, if rather expensive, bookshop around the corner from the police complex, but this is why it is so important to take copies of every passport and visa that you have with you.

Step 4 – Get your fingerprints taken

The fingerprint station is on the other side of the table where you filled in your application form and a very helpful officer will cover your digits in black ink and then press them onto the completed fingerprint card with glee.

Helpful tip: Take some baby wipes or kitchen roll with you because there are no hand dryers in the toilets and you really don’t want to use the grotty old towels that are lying around in there!

Step 5 – Get your photo taken

Right next to the fingerprint station is the photography area. It only takes a minute to get your mugshot taken and then you are on to the next stage… more checking!

Step 6 –Get validated

Go back to the officer who originally checked your documents. They will tell you to go to a numbered desk in an annexe to one side of the main area (next to the photography station). Go inside, hand your forms to the officer behind the relevant desk and smile. The officer will check everything, then stamp and validate your application. It only takes a few minutes, which is good and smiling does help, believe me!

Step 7 –Pay up and get your receipt

Go back into the main area. Hand your authorised documents to the officer at the desk opposite the table where you originally completed your forms. They will do one final check, then take your money and issue you with an official receipt. The current cost for a police certificate is 100 Baht.

Step 8 –To post or not to post?

Nearly done. It normally takes around three weeks to process a police certificate and you can choose whether you want to collect it in person or have it posted to your address in Thailand. If you choose the postage option, it will cost you an additional 50 Baht. An officer sitting beside the one who issues the receipts will take your money and give you a blank envelope. Back to the big table one last time and fill in your address. Then, give the envelope to the officer, breathe a big sigh of relief and leave the building.


Congratulations, you have successfully applied for a Thailand police certificate!

Now, go and get yourself a coffee, beer or something a bit stronger… you deserve it!


All up, the whole process should take less than an hour to complete from start to finish, however, I would recommend that you allow yourself at least two hours, if not more, just in case the Police Clearance Service is particularly busy on the day you choose to apply for your police certificate.




Note: As with everything in Thailand, the rules, regulations, processes and locations frequently change, often without notice. While I hope that this information is useful to you, if you do find that any of it has become outdated, please let me know at so that I can update this article and help others avoid mistakes. Thank you and good luck!


Also, while you are here, why not have a look at some of my other Thailand blogs, or check out my short stories? Most of them are free and are an excellent way to pass the time while you are waiting for your Thailand police certificate.


Thank you!


Amazing Thailand No 6 – Asian Insects


How to Bite a Woman on the Shoulder

How to Bite a Woman on the Shoulder

Everything you need to know about shoulder biting, the latest craze to sweep the British Isles


Shoulder biting grips the nation

Well, now we’ve seen it all. First there was Twerking, then the Ice Bucket Challenge, the Shiggy Challenge, Fidget Spinners and Pokemon Go, but nothing has prepared the land of soap and glory for its latest, supremely daft obsession: shoulder biting. That’s right. All over the United Kingdom, innocent pedestrians are today falling victim to the ‘nudge, nibble and nonchalant walk’ of gangs of amateur shoulder biters.


Young boy next to a stop sign - Rob Gregory Author

A classic example of a juvenile shoulder biter. Be afraid. Be very afraid.


Those who have experienced shoulder biting first hand, complain of feeling alienation, rage or guilt. Some have even succumbed to suicidal thoughts. Many are unwilling to venture outside, in case they are subject to further attacks, by what proponents of the craze say is just a bit of harmless fun and retail organisations up and down the country are preparing themselves for a vast drop in sales in the run up to the busy Christmas/Easter period.


What is shoulder biting?

For those who are unfamiliar with the practice of shoulder biting, it involves two people, the biter and the bitee. The biter selects their victim, usually a person a little smaller than themselves, then approaches, using a slow, casual walk and bumps into the bitee, whose initial response is one of surprise. The biter then turns their head as if to apologise and makes contact with the bitee’s shoulder, using their teeth. A quick nibble or gentle bite is delivered, before the biter scurries off to the adulation of their friends, leaving the bitee shocked, bewildered and wondering what the heck just happened to them.


British police watch out for shoulder biters - Rob Gregory Author

UK police officers spot a suspected shoulder biter.


According to the police, most shoulder biters are males in their late teens to early twenties and victims are predominantly young women or single mothers. There have been isolated reports of female shoulder biters approaching male victims, however, such cases are rare, generally because women are far better behaved than men and men tend to respond with a swift right hook to the face, rather than a shriek of surprise.


The origins of shoulder biting

The precise origin of the shoulder biting craze is unknown, however, social scientists at Keele University have traced anecdotal reports back to a single incident in Bristol, which occurred in the early nineteen-nineties. According to unnamed sources, a young man, wearing a signed Trumpton Riots T-Shirt was seen to collide with a moderately attractive woman, while approaching a pedestrian crossing. Once contact was made, the man turned and “accidentally” bit the woman on the shoulder, before continuing to the other side of the road and disappearing from view. The woman was apparently left shaken but otherwise unharmed and after a short pause, continued on her way, no doubt to recount the incident to her friends later that evening.


Clifton Suspension Bridge - Rob Gregory Author

Bristol, the original home of shoulder biting?


Subsequent accounts of shoulder biting are patchy, but it is believed that the practice gradually made its way to the North West of the country, finding popularity in the underground Jungle and Breakbeat scenes of Liverpool and Manchester at the turn of the century. Following that, it crept across the country to Scunthorpe, Grimsby and Hull, where rumour has it that a notorious gang, known only as the Norman Cook Massive, incorporated it into their initiation process.


Dancers at a rave, home of shoulder biting - Rob Gregory Author

The underground North West Jungle scene in the UK really allowed shoulder biting to increase its popularity.


From there and with the rise of social media and video streaming, shoulder biting has rapidly grown in popularity and finally broke into the mainstream consciousness earlier this year, with over fourteen thousand YourTub videos being posted in the last six months alone.


The dangers of shoulder biting

We spoke to veteran shoulder biter, Bigdog Bazman, through his Twatter channel, @Bigdogbitesya, to talk about the dangers of shoulder biting. This is what he had to say:


“Well, of course it’s dangerous, man and I wanna say from the outset that me and my bro’s only do it by the book. Y’know, a gentle nibble, like, nothing more. It’s a bit of fun and no one needs to get hurt. I mean I know of guys out there that go full tilt on it, try to go for the bone, but that’s just not cool. Not cool at all. You also gotta pick the right person and watch what you’re biting into. There’s been guys put in hospital because they’ve tried to be hard and gone round shoulder biting bouncers and people wearin’ leather jackets. I mean that’s just stupid and the dental bills is rough as flip afterwards! You also gotta make sure that they’re wearin’ protection. You don’t wanna bite into a bare shoulder, that’s base, man! Oh and finally, never try and shoulder bite a copper. Those guys just don’t see the funny side of things at all!”


Ariel view of a crowd - Rob Gregory Author

Watch out, there’s a shoulder biter about!


Proper etiquette for shoulder biting

According to the newly formed British Union of Shoulder Biters, the correct way to perform a shoulder bite is as follows:

  1. Identify the proposed bitee and make yourself known to them from a distance. Eye contact and a nod of the head is usually sufficient. If the bitee signals non-assent then do not proceed. Seek a willing bitee instead.
  2. Approach at sauntering speed, with the arms swinging naturally, but not too high. The aim is to make contact with the shoulder, not punch the bitee in the stomach or head.
  3. Use your dominant shoulder or whatever feels natural to you and graze the bitee’s opposite shoulder, i.e. right to left or left to right. Do not try to strike the same side shoulder, i.e. right to right, as you will end up head butting the bitee.
  4. At the moment of contact, snap your head around smartly and touch your upper teeth to the bitee’s shoulder. Minimal pressure should be used, rather than a vampire bite, which is a common mistake made by those new to the sport. Now would be a good time to give the bitee your social media details, especially if they are attractive. Many experienced shoulder biters carry a business card specifically for this purpose.
  5. Break contact and carry on as if nothing has happened. Congratulations! You have successfully performed your shoulder bite.
  6. Record the details of your successful shoulder bite in your log book. Remember to include the date, time, place and local weather conditions, as well as the physical characteristics of your bitee, for future reference.


Important note: In the rare event that your shoulder bite is too hard and an injury occurs, we recommend carrying a small first-aid kit, including antiseptic wipes, plasters and a zip-lock bag for any dislodged or broken teeth, so that immediate roadside assistance can be carried out. Do not run away from an injured bitee. This is considered unprofessional.


In contrast, the website of the Yobsmouth Shoulder Biters Club ( has this advice for those interested in joining in the craze:


“Find ‘em, bite ‘em and flee!”


A young female victim of shoulder biting - Rob Gregory Author

Dierdre Brimstone, an early victim of shoulder biting.


Shoulder biting. Is it here to stay?

Is shoulder biting just another in a long line of ridiculous English crazes or is it something with a bit more staying power? One might as well ask if the UK will ever leave Europe, only time will tell. For many, including politicians, the police and the countless victims whose lives have forever been altered following an encounter, shoulder biting is an unwelcome nuisance with potentially sinister and injurious overtones. For others, such as Bigdog Bazman, shoulder biting is a way of life and an increasingly important part of daily social interaction, a handshake for the twenty-first century if you like. Based on the available evidence, with more and more youths becoming aware of the practice and dozens of new videos being posted daily on social media accounts, it does indeed appear that the ‘nudge, nibble and nonchalant walk’ of the shoulder biter will be with us for some time to come.




Editors note: We will do our best to keep you updated on developments in the shoulder biting sphere, including progress with the proposed Anti-Shoulder Biting Bill (ASBB), which is due to be introduced into Parliament once Brexit negotiations have concluded. In the meantime, why not check out these useful resources?


Seven Books in Seven Weeks – Part Seven

Seven Books in Seven Weeks – Part Seven

Seven Books in Seven Weeks – Drynwideon, The Sword of Destiny – Yeah, Right

Part seven of a seven part series

Introduction to Drynwideon, The Sword of Destiny – Yeah, Right

Well, here it is, the long awaited final to Seven Books in Seven Weeks. Okay, so it took a bit longer than seven weeks to complete but then you probably expected that from the start! Anyway, without further ado, here is the seventh book in the series, Drynwideon, The Sword of Destiny – Yeah Right, written by none other than me!


The Genesis of Drynwideon

The idea for Drynwideon, The Sword of Destiny – Yeah, Right, also affectionately known as the world’s first anti-fantasy novel, first popped into my head in July of 2017. At the time, I was suffering from a fairly serious chest infection, which had developed into pneumonia and was spending most of my time lying in bed contemplating my navel and watching the world pass me by, while I waited for my white blood cells to do their job and banish the infection from the bounds of the pale, flabby thing that I call my body.

R A Gregory. Author of Drynwideon, The Sword of Destiny - Yeah, Right

Rob Gregory. Author of Drynwideon.

Around the same time, the latest season of Game of Thrones was fast approaching and every time that I ventured from my sickbed, there was something on the television or the radio, hyping up the much anticipated series and saying how utterly amazing and fantastic it was going to be. I have never read Game of Thrones or seen the television series, apart from a few snippets that left me wondering what the heck was going on, but I had discussed it with a number of George R. R. Martin fans in the bar, who regaled me with its wondrous depth and complexity, all of which, I have to say left me a little flat. Now, I have nothing against Game of Thrones, but well, you know me, I like my stories simple and Game of Thrones or GOT as it was commonly known made me feel as if it was a soap opera set in a fantasy world, a bit like ‘EastEnders in Mordor’ or ‘Coronation Street in Wonderland’.

So there I was, incapacitated by illness and slowly climbing the walls with my inability to escape the GOT-hype and it got me thinking. What if there was a traditional fantasy story where the hero got killed off in the first chapter and the rest of the story focused on the most unlikely hero imaginable, someone who had no heroic qualities and just wanted to be left alone to get on with their life? And that, dear reader, is where the idea for Drynwideon, The Sword of Destiny – Yeah, Right came from.


Drynwideon’s Storyline

The storyline of Drynwideon, The Sword of Destiny – Yeah, Right is pretty simple. We start out with our hero, Gonald the Mighty scaling Mount Terror on a dark and stormy night, in order to slay Ka, the Dragon Princess, tyrant of the known world and the girl he had once called his daughter. Think Conan the Barbarian but better looking and a lot older and you’re on the right lines. He confronts her only to discover that Drynwideon, the mythical sword he stole from the king of the elves, is nothing more than a cheap replica of the ancient weapon and dies horribly when Ka incinerates him in a ball of searing flame. With me so far? Good!

Then we meet our protagonist, the anti-heroic, Drin. Sick to death of hearing about failed attempts to defeat the Dragon Princess, his main concerns are getting enough food to eat and avoiding winning the nightly ‘meat lottery’, which will mean he ends up on the dinner plate instead of one of the other villagers! His plans to flee the decrepit village he inhabits are thwarted by the village chief, but he escapes, as all good protagonists do and flees anyway, only to discover paradise just a few miles away! However, as with real life, things don’t always work out the way you planned and Drin’s stay is rudely cut short, whereupon he spends the rest of the book trying to find a substitute in which to spend the rest of his days.

Along the way, which inevitably involves arid savannahs, enchanted forests and countryside that wouldn’t be out of place in The Shire, he amasses a rag-tag assortment of unwanted companions, all of them with seriously disturbing personal problems and ends up on The Quest, a once in a decade Battle Royale, organised by the Dragon Princess, in which everyone apart from her dies in a most unpleasant manner.

Armed with only his trusty dagger, a thing called ‘Thing’ and his maladjusted friends, it is up to Drin to face Ka and win, if he wants a future longer than a few strangled breaths and a couple of mortal wounds that is!

I won’t tell you what happens, you’ll have to read the book, but it’s pretty darned good and a very welcome change from the usual run of the mill fantasy epic, I can assure you of that.


Drynwideon’s Main Characters

The main character in Drynwideon, The Sword of Destiny – Yeah, Right is Drin. Half-starved, sarcastic and possessed of a natural cunning which saves his life on more than one occasion, as mentioned above, all he wants is a quiet life and being a hero is the last thing on his mind. When I was writing him, I couldn’t help but think of Michael Palin’s character, Dennis Cooper, in the brilliant Terry Gilliam film, Jabberwocky. Dennis, like Drin, is a reluctant hero, who has his own plans for his life but finds himself drawn into a far bigger adventure, despite his ongoing protestations to the contrary.

Drynwideon, The Sword of Destiny – Yeah, Right. A book by R.A. Gregory Author

Drynwideon in all its glory.

Tefal the Dwarf is the Sancho Panza to Drin’s Don Quixote. Level-headed and cautious where Drin is headstrong and opinionated, he is burdened by the terrible afflictions of both claustrophobia and agoraphobia (or Clagraphobia, as a good friend of mine put it). The idea for Tefal came, believe it or not, from a line written by one of my favourite bands, Half Man Half Biscuit. Check out the opening to their song, San Antonio Foam Party and you’ll see what I mean. Apart from being a much-needed counterpoint to Drin’s acerbic nature, Tefal is a fully formed, if half-sized character in his own right and possessed of a pretty unique way to deal with his bodily fluids… well, one of them at least.

Then we have Rioja (pr. Ree-Oh-Jar), Drin’s ill-matched love interest. A half-fairy with a malformed wing, she was cast out by her fellow fairies for not being pretty enough and subsequently developed a thirst for violence that borders on the psychotic. She is one of the driving forces behind Drin and Tefal’s reluctant entry into The Quest, and the poor thing perennially mistakes their attempts to wheedle out of it as acts of heroic bravery. To be honest, I can’t recall where I got the inspiration for Rioja from and even if I could, I wouldn’t tell you. After all, Hell hath no fury like a crazy fairy’s scorn!

The Rog was another of those characters that seemed to pop up from nowhere. Half rabbit, half dog, he becomes Drin’s most loyal companion, which is a good thing because, as an Andarian Harehound, the Rog is a terrifying killing machine by both day and by night. No one knows why The Rog chose to befriend Drin. Maybe it was abused as a pup, who knows?

Finally, we have Spasmodicus the Ridiculous. An ancient, battle scarred barbarian, most definitely cast from the Gonald the Mighty mould, he is the unfortunate owner of the Farting Phoenix, a mythical creature that blows itself up with a foul-smelling gas when frightened, only to reincarnate moments later. Poor old Spasmodicus. The day he took ownership of the Farting Phoenix, which bonds to its owner for life, was also the day that he said goodbye to most of his hair.

I could mention the myriad of other characters that litter the pages of Drynwideon, The Sword of Destiny – Yeah, Right, such as Captain Colleston, Mad Anja and Chamberlain Rousseau, Governor of the fabled port of Naxxis, but then there wouldn’t be much point in you reading the book. Incidentally, you can buy it here if you are interested!


Influences on Drynwideon, The Sword of Destiny – Yeah, Right

Here is where everything in Seven Books in Seven Weeks comes together, for in their own way, each of the books that I have covered previously had an influence on Drynwideon, The Sword of Destiny – Yeah, Right. Whether it was the magical world-building in The Lion The Witch and The Wardrobe and The Lightstone, the contemporary humour of The Pyrates and The Hitch-Hikers Guide to the Galaxy, the wonderful vocabulary used in The Incredible Adventures of Professor Branestawm or the simple fact that The Book of Three inspired both Drynwideon the mythical sword and the magical bag summoned up by Drin, each of them evoked feelings and memories which I drew upon in order to create my own unique anti-fantasy adventure story.


Printing the Paperback of Drynwideon

Shortly after Drynwideon, The Sword of Destiny – Yeah, Right had gone through its umpteenth edit, a friend of mine persuaded me to publish the book as a paperback. Now, I’m not a fan of the vanity press and abhor the idea of anyone paying for their work to be published by a company that exists only to take advantage of people’s desire to see their name in print. However, vanity is a strange mistress and I was so excited by the fact that I had written a ‘proper’ novel that I eventually capitulated. To say that it was another adventure entirely would be an understatement of epic proportions…

With the printers. Drynwideon lives! Rob Gregory Author

Hot off the press, the first copy of Drynwideon.

First of all, we approached a local publishing house and while their principal editor was very keen on the project and eager to expand the company’s portfolio, unfortunately, like many first-time authors, I fell foul of the Monday morning publishing meeting and the book was ultimately rejected because it was a seen as a stretch too far from their usual fare… academic books about Thailand!

Dismayed but not deterred, we then decided to do it ourselves, not realising quite how fickle and challenging the world of professional publishing can be. A friend of mine who had worked in the printing industry in England did a line by line edit of the manuscript, which then had to be reformatted, by me, to fit the 8”x5” book format that we had decided on. Getting the margins and paragraph breaks right was a task that still gives me nightmares to this day and was a far cry from my previous experience of self publishing in the digital domain, which, by comparison, was an absolute breeze.

While all of this was going on, the friend who had first suggested paperback printing was busy trying to find a reputable printer to do the actual physical work of making the book. Fortunately, we were extremely lucky in this regard and found a local outfit with heaps of experience and a Heidelberg press, don’t you know, to do the job for a very reasonable price.

Then it was just a matter of checking the proofs and giving the printers the okay. There was one small glitch when it turned out that two hundred copies of the cover had been misaligned during the trimming process and had come out wonky, but we weren’t in a hurry, so a few days later replacements had been printed and I was the proud owner of one thousand copies of my book!

Drynwideon, The Sword of Destiny - Yeah, Right lives! Rob Gregory Author

Standing there, like a proud father, the author with Drynwideon.

Like any major publishing house, we subsequently embarked on a media and publicity campaign, and sent out press packs to over two hundred different publications around the globe. Unfortunately, this is where the reality of the modern publishing industry and our naivety came home to roost. There is simply so much stuff out there these days that media outlets and magazines are unwilling to give column inches to unknown authors. As one editor of a well known science fiction and fantasy publication told me: they get so many books from mainstream publishers to review each month that they can’t take the chance on the indies, it just isn’t worth the risk for them. So, to cut a long story short, after many months of getting stuck into the DIY publishing game, we didn’t get a single piece of publicity, other than the free stuff I did on Reddit and various Facebook pages, plus a couple of paid adverts on Amazon.

However, all was not lost and just over a year since Drynwideon, The Sword of Destiny, Yeah, Right, was first released, I have managed to make a respectable number of sales and that number continues to grow each month as word gradually spreads about the world’s first anti-fantasy novel. So, what is the take home message? Simple. You’d better grab yourself a copy of the first edition paperback version before they are all sold out!


Mistakes in Drynwideon (Should I really be telling you this?)

Like any published work, Drynwideon, The Sword of Destiny – Yeah, Right has its fair share of typos and grammatical mistakes, I am sure of that and it is an inevitable part of the writing process, so I am in good company — right up there with the best of them in fact! Furthermore, like any author, my writing style continues to evolve over time, so now when I look back on Drynwideon, The Sword of Destiny – Yeah, Right, it sometimes seems as if someone else has written it.

Author Antonin Cee at the drynwideon launch party. Rob Gregory Author

Dutch author, Antonin Cee, holding a copy of Drynwideon.

However, there is another mistake that I want to discuss here and it is the mistake that many emerging authors make. I didn’t listen hard enough to my reviewers. If one reviewer makes a comment then conventional wisdom says ‘take it under consideration’. However, if two or more reviewers make the same comment then you’d better darned well pay attention before you dismiss it!

In my case, at least two people commented that the first chapter was, in their opinion, too long and that they felt put out by the fact that they had invested time in getting to know Gonald the Mighty, only to have to start again in chapter two with Drin, the real main character of the book.

In my defence, that was exactly what I had intended! I wanted readers to think that they were getting a piece of traditional heroic fantasy fiction, only to discover in chapter two that it was anything but traditional, by which time they would be compelled to carry on. As a result, I ignored my reviewers comments and went ahead with the version as I had written it. After all, that is the author’s prerogative and to be honest, at that time I was damned if was going to let anyone tell me how I should write my novel!

Looking back, however, I realise now that I made a mistake. Had I been more receptive to criticism, then I would have rewritten the first chapter to make it more snappy and clear that it was a story within a story, rather than the main feature. It was a lesson hard learnt but one that has been put to very good use in my subsequent writing.


The Impact of Drynwideon, The Sword of Destiny – Yeah, Right on Myself

It is fair to say that Drynwideon, The Sword of Destiny – Yeah, Right has had a huge impact on me. Not only was it the first full-length novel that I wrote, it has formed the basis for the rest of my writing career to date. It showed me that I did have the ability to write a compelling piece of original humorous fantasy, which was my primary aim and gave me the confidence to continue writing, even though the challenges have been significant.

Since then, I have penned two further novels covering different genres, with a third, more recent one returning to the world of Drin and his colleagues. A proper sequel to Drynwideon, The Sword of Destiny – Yeah, Right is on the cards for next year and a series of prequels are planned to follow that. Suffice to say, I have a lot on my plate as far as writing is concerned and my world is a far brighter place for it!


Conclusion to Seven Books in Seven Weeks

So, there you have it. Seven books in a little over seven weeks. All of them have touched me greatly in some way or another during my life and I hope that you have enjoyed reading about my various interactions with them. Perhaps I have even convinced you to hunt them down for yourself, in which case I hope that you enjoy them as much as I have. All that remains for me to say is thank you for coming on this journey with me and please do stay tuned for more fascinating insights into my world through the medium of my blog.

Oh, and please do take a few minutes to have a look at my various written offerings, including Drynwideon, The Sword of Destiny – Yeah, Right. Quite a few of them are free and most of them should raise a smile or two!


Drynwideon, The Sword of Destiny - Yeah, Right by Rob Gregory Author

Drynwideon, The Sword of Destiny – Yeah, Right. Signed copies available for sale here.

Ever Increasing Collins – A Cartoon

Ever Increasing Collins – A Cartoon

Ever Increasing Collins

… A Surreal Trip Down Memory Lane…

Ever Increasing Collins by Rob Gregory Author

Ever Increasing Collins in all its glory!

Adolescence. It’s a funny old thing. Hormones sloshing wildly around a body which doesn’t seem to know what to do with them. Hair sprouting from funny places and a voice box that goes from bass-baritone to soprano at the most inconvenient of moments. And then there is Ever Increasing Collins, a blast from the past, which took me back to those terrible days of teenage longing, when I stumbled upon it, while sorting out some old papers a week or so ago.

Once upon a time, I was an adolescent and not a very good one at that. I found the whole process extremely troubling and in addition to all of the biological inconveniences alluded to above, I developed a social awkwardness, which took me decades to bring under control. In the end, I resorted to living in a cave, far from human scrutiny and mastered Zen Buddhism, which I now loathe with a passion. You can find out why, if you click here.

Anyway, I digress. Back then, when I still had hair on my head and a body that was more than the flabby, worn-out organ carrier that it is now, I used to doodle. Exercise books, A4 refill pads, postage stamps, nothing was sacred and that included the margins of any piece of paper I could lay my hands on. Most of the time it was stuff copied from whatever anarchistic, Indie publication I was reading at that particular moment.

Favourites included the wonderful ‘Bugs and Drugs’ and it’s predecessor ‘Skate Muties from the 5th Dimension’, as well as ‘Arnie’ and the ever so dark ‘Harpy’ by Nick Mackie, which, as far as I know only ran to two editions… a terrible shame, because it was shaping up to be a fantastic cartoon series of epic proportions.

However, on occasion, I would be assailed by brief flashes of surreal brilliance and pump out images and situations worthy of commentary by the world’s greatest sages. Ever Increasing Collins is not one of those.

Where it came from or why, I have no recollection, but I am glad that it has not seen the light of day until now, because if it had, then I would probably be writing this to myself from the safety of my very own padded cell and the only commentary it would have attracted would have been from criminal psychologists and the male nurses guarding my rubber-walled accommodation on a 24/7 basis.

Happily, I am now a recovered doodler and direct my creative urges towards writing, rather than drawing, so I will leave it up to you to interpret the meaning behind Ever Increasing Collins. A commentary on Shakespearian character definitions, a much loved, yet missing scene from Pride and Prejudice or just the ridiculous scratchings of a bored English student, you be the judge. I very much look forward to your replies.


Note: Ever Increasing Collins will shortly be available as a limited edition print, with T-shirts, mugs and other useless paraphernalia following close behind. Please contact me directly should you wish to purchase the original artwork. Prices are negotiable, however, you will probably need a rich Nigerian uncle or a recently deceased foreign dictator to have left you some money beforehand, in which case, you can just leave me your bank details and PIN numbers and I will do the rest!


While you are at it, here are some of the magazines referred to above. Enjoy!

Cover of Bugs and Drugs - Rob Gregory Author

Bugs and Drugs – Issue One.


Cover of Skate Muties From The Fifth Dimension - Rob Gregory Author

Skate Muties From The 5th Dimension – Issue Nine.


Harpy 1 & 2 by Nick Mackie - Rob Gregory Author

Harpy – Issues One and Two. Check out Nick’s latest stuff here.


Arnie - Rob Gregory Author

Arnie – Issue Five.